One morning late last fall, I woke up with a strange sensation. It felt somewhat familiar, but still I couldn't quite place it. It was like seeing a long-ago friend in a place you aren't expecting to see him, totally out of context, and thinking, "Yes, I think that's him, but what would he be doing here? Surely I'm mistaken."
--------------
I'm a very sexual girl. Always have been. I love sex! My ex got it whenever he wanted it and sometimes when he didn't. Our life on that front was always healthy, even as I continued to gain weight. We were both generous and accommodating and it was just... good on a physical level. Emotionally, though? There wasn't much emotion, but I chalked it up to Darren just not being an emotional, sappy, romantic guy. He was always very needy of approval and accolades and compliments, so I suppose on that level, he was emotional. I don't know. I showered him with compliments and verbal approval every day, and knowing that his love language was physical touch, I showered him in that way, too.
Looking back, I realize now that I had some serious emotional baggage that was linked to premarital sex that I'd never let go of. I bore a lot of shame as I entered into marriage, and that shame took its toll on my ability to fully experience sex the way God intended for it to work in a loving marriage. But that's another blog for another day. Anyway - I loved the physical aspect of it enough to be okay with not always feeling it emotionally. In hindsight, I realize how sad that is.
Then came the affair, and it changed him. Although he pleaded for forgiveness and I gave it and we tried to save our marriage, he really never came back. Our sex life suffered. I gained 100 pounds in a year's time. That sucked and certainly didn't help the problem. We continued to "do the act", but it was devoid of any passion at all. It was simply sex, and more frequently, it was one-sided. One night near the end of our marriage, I was awakened by him having his way with me. It was forceful and ugly and it felt like rape. I told him so. He shed some tears and apologized sincerely.
After we separated and I went through the divorce depression, I really thought the sexual part of me had died with the marriage. I mean, I couldn't imagine ever wanting it or feeling it again. The sensual, sexual, intimate part of my body and soul was gone and I mourned its passing.
Then came that August morning. I was lying in my apartment. The boys were gone. I suddenly realized that this strange sensation - that old friend who seemed familiar but mostly unrecognizable - was desire. I was horny! I thought, "Where the hell did THIS come from?" In that moment, I felt a longing so intense it made me shudder. It wasn't longing for Darren, or for any particular man at all. No, I was longing for intimacy, the freedom and release of lovemaking, the closeness and comfort of one of God's most beautiful gifts. I felt it in my core, in my heart, in the quickening rhythm that pounded every pulse point in my body. I started crying, then full on sobbing. I knew that the shame I'd carried for all those years was gone - wiped completely away at my HeartQuest - and that my flesh, mind and spirit were finally in the same place at the same time. And yet I could do nothing about it now. I was furious that yet another thing had been stolen from me. I'm not the type who's going to have a fling just to satisfy that need. I wept for hours.
And then I realized what a gift it was that I hadn't lost that part of me after all. What an awesome sign of healing that I was feeling it again!
---------
There is more to this story. How amazing to me that exactly a year later, the story comes full circle. More on that when I have the courage to share it.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
catch-up
It's hard to believe that a year has passed since I logged in here.
So much has happened.
We sold our house after only 31 days on the market. It broke my heart, and I wept openly on the realltor's shoulder after the closing. Since that time, the boys and I have moved again, this time to a perfect little house that keeps them in their school district and affords us the comfortable, single-family-dwelling life we missed in the duplex. It really is a Godsend, and is a story that I'll come back and tell. As sad as I was to lose our dream home, I'm over it now. I can drive by without feeling grief and loss. It's just four walls and a roof and a big wrap-around porch now, but it's not a home. It's simply a house. Home is where your heart is, and that is something I have found to be absolutely true.
Even though the market was barely in its earliest stages of recovery, we profited a little on the house. I set some back for a future surgery I'll need to have, and some went toward a new car. (My VW Bug, though I adored it so, just couldn't handle being a family car.) At Christmas, we took a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I took the kids on a Caribbean cruise. I'd always wanted to cruise, but never was able to because my ex thought he would hate it. WE LOVED IT. Before it was over, the kids were already planning our next one. In fact, they want to cruise again so badly that both boys put $7 of the $10 allowance I give them every week into a cruise savings account! That vacation is a huge landmark on the map of our recovery from the divorce. It really was amazing for us as a family.
Darren got engaged. Yes, while we were still married. Walking my boys through that confusion was one of the hardest things I've had to do yet. There was much anger on Ian's part, though he wouldn't ever let Darren see it. Misplaced though it was, I took the brunt of it. I haven't felt sadness or betrayal or disdain about the engagement or the other woman at all, which I think is a great indicator that my heart is in full recovery. Instead, I feel pity for her that she doesn't know what she's getting into (ha!), and sadness for Darren that he's thrown so much away. Everyone who's met her says she's exactly like me (I'll write about that sometime), which I think is pretty funny. The divorce became final in April, 12 months after filing. It was amicable and fair.
I've lost 115 pounds. The first 60 melted away with little effort, but the last 60 has taken a lot of effort. I've been plateaued for about 3 months and have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds, but over the last two weeks, I broke through and am losing again - 8.4 pounds since 10 days ago! I still have 60 to go to meet my goal. I've come 2/3 of the way - what's another 1/3? I can do this! IT IS AMAZING TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK. I only thought I was living when I weighed 317 pounds.
The boys and I placed membership at Legacy Church of Christ last fall, but as much as I love the people there, it just didn't feel right for some reason. I've struggled with finding a church home, and have visited so many places. The boys are sick of visiting. Finally, I think we've found it - 7City Church, which is not the denomination I grew up in and spent my adult life in. Even still, it feels good and right, and I'm hopeful that God has led us there for a purpose. I haven't made any commitments to it yet - still praying for confirmation.
Finding a church home is a lot like dating, I've decided. Something about a church sparks your interest enough to make you decide to visit. Sometimes at first glance, you know it's not the right one. Sometimes after the first "date", you think, "Eh, maybe I can get past that quirk. I'll give it another chance." Sometimes it takes three or four dates before you realize that it's not gonna work out, and you're back to square one. One thing's certain - I've met some great people along the way and my faith journey hasn't suffered. I think the variety of worship styles and preaching styles and just the diversity of faith has been really good for my heart and soul. Part of the healing process for sure.
God continues to place people in my life who are simply there to like me and love me and enrich my life in little ways. I've met people who became friends in the most bizarre ways this year - at a concert, through Facebook, through old high school connections... and most recently, through a dating website. Yeah. That's a whole 'nother entry. Or twelve.
The healing continues, but the war is behind me.
It feels good to be writing again. :-)
So much has happened.
We sold our house after only 31 days on the market. It broke my heart, and I wept openly on the realltor's shoulder after the closing. Since that time, the boys and I have moved again, this time to a perfect little house that keeps them in their school district and affords us the comfortable, single-family-dwelling life we missed in the duplex. It really is a Godsend, and is a story that I'll come back and tell. As sad as I was to lose our dream home, I'm over it now. I can drive by without feeling grief and loss. It's just four walls and a roof and a big wrap-around porch now, but it's not a home. It's simply a house. Home is where your heart is, and that is something I have found to be absolutely true.
Even though the market was barely in its earliest stages of recovery, we profited a little on the house. I set some back for a future surgery I'll need to have, and some went toward a new car. (My VW Bug, though I adored it so, just couldn't handle being a family car.) At Christmas, we took a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I took the kids on a Caribbean cruise. I'd always wanted to cruise, but never was able to because my ex thought he would hate it. WE LOVED IT. Before it was over, the kids were already planning our next one. In fact, they want to cruise again so badly that both boys put $7 of the $10 allowance I give them every week into a cruise savings account! That vacation is a huge landmark on the map of our recovery from the divorce. It really was amazing for us as a family.
Darren got engaged. Yes, while we were still married. Walking my boys through that confusion was one of the hardest things I've had to do yet. There was much anger on Ian's part, though he wouldn't ever let Darren see it. Misplaced though it was, I took the brunt of it. I haven't felt sadness or betrayal or disdain about the engagement or the other woman at all, which I think is a great indicator that my heart is in full recovery. Instead, I feel pity for her that she doesn't know what she's getting into (ha!), and sadness for Darren that he's thrown so much away. Everyone who's met her says she's exactly like me (I'll write about that sometime), which I think is pretty funny. The divorce became final in April, 12 months after filing. It was amicable and fair.
I've lost 115 pounds. The first 60 melted away with little effort, but the last 60 has taken a lot of effort. I've been plateaued for about 3 months and have been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds, but over the last two weeks, I broke through and am losing again - 8.4 pounds since 10 days ago! I still have 60 to go to meet my goal. I've come 2/3 of the way - what's another 1/3? I can do this! IT IS AMAZING TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK. I only thought I was living when I weighed 317 pounds.
The boys and I placed membership at Legacy Church of Christ last fall, but as much as I love the people there, it just didn't feel right for some reason. I've struggled with finding a church home, and have visited so many places. The boys are sick of visiting. Finally, I think we've found it - 7City Church, which is not the denomination I grew up in and spent my adult life in. Even still, it feels good and right, and I'm hopeful that God has led us there for a purpose. I haven't made any commitments to it yet - still praying for confirmation.
Finding a church home is a lot like dating, I've decided. Something about a church sparks your interest enough to make you decide to visit. Sometimes at first glance, you know it's not the right one. Sometimes after the first "date", you think, "Eh, maybe I can get past that quirk. I'll give it another chance." Sometimes it takes three or four dates before you realize that it's not gonna work out, and you're back to square one. One thing's certain - I've met some great people along the way and my faith journey hasn't suffered. I think the variety of worship styles and preaching styles and just the diversity of faith has been really good for my heart and soul. Part of the healing process for sure.
God continues to place people in my life who are simply there to like me and love me and enrich my life in little ways. I've met people who became friends in the most bizarre ways this year - at a concert, through Facebook, through old high school connections... and most recently, through a dating website. Yeah. That's a whole 'nother entry. Or twelve.
The healing continues, but the war is behind me.
It feels good to be writing again. :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)