One morning late last fall, I woke up with a strange sensation. It felt somewhat familiar, but still I couldn't quite place it. It was like seeing a long-ago friend in a place you aren't expecting to see him, totally out of context, and thinking, "Yes, I think that's him, but what would he be doing here? Surely I'm mistaken."
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I'm a very sexual girl. Always have been. I love sex! My ex got it whenever he wanted it and sometimes when he didn't. Our life on that front was always healthy, even as I continued to gain weight. We were both generous and accommodating and it was just... good on a physical level. Emotionally, though? There wasn't much emotion, but I chalked it up to Darren just not being an emotional, sappy, romantic guy. He was always very needy of approval and accolades and compliments, so I suppose on that level, he was emotional. I don't know. I showered him with compliments and verbal approval every day, and knowing that his love language was physical touch, I showered him in that way, too.
Looking back, I realize now that I had some serious emotional baggage that was linked to premarital sex that I'd never let go of. I bore a lot of shame as I entered into marriage, and that shame took its toll on my ability to fully experience sex the way God intended for it to work in a loving marriage. But that's another blog for another day. Anyway - I loved the physical aspect of it enough to be okay with not always feeling it emotionally. In hindsight, I realize how sad that is.
Then came the affair, and it changed him. Although he pleaded for forgiveness and I gave it and we tried to save our marriage, he really never came back. Our sex life suffered. I gained 100 pounds in a year's time. That sucked and certainly didn't help the problem. We continued to "do the act", but it was devoid of any passion at all. It was simply sex, and more frequently, it was one-sided. One night near the end of our marriage, I was awakened by him having his way with me. It was forceful and ugly and it felt like rape. I told him so. He shed some tears and apologized sincerely.
After we separated and I went through the divorce depression, I really thought the sexual part of me had died with the marriage. I mean, I couldn't imagine ever wanting it or feeling it again. The sensual, sexual, intimate part of my body and soul was gone and I mourned its passing.
Then came that August morning. I was lying in my apartment. The boys were gone. I suddenly realized that this strange sensation - that old friend who seemed familiar but mostly unrecognizable - was desire. I was horny! I thought, "Where the hell did THIS come from?" In that moment, I felt a longing so intense it made me shudder. It wasn't longing for Darren, or for any particular man at all. No, I was longing for intimacy, the freedom and release of lovemaking, the closeness and comfort of one of God's most beautiful gifts. I felt it in my core, in my heart, in the quickening rhythm that pounded every pulse point in my body. I started crying, then full on sobbing. I knew that the shame I'd carried for all those years was gone - wiped completely away at my HeartQuest - and that my flesh, mind and spirit were finally in the same place at the same time. And yet I could do nothing about it now. I was furious that yet another thing had been stolen from me. I'm not the type who's going to have a fling just to satisfy that need. I wept for hours.
And then I realized what a gift it was that I hadn't lost that part of me after all. What an awesome sign of healing that I was feeling it again!
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There is more to this story. How amazing to me that exactly a year later, the story comes full circle. More on that when I have the courage to share it.
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