the blessing

My mom has been uncharacteristically sweet of late. She has this Facebook persona that's unlike her real-life persona, but that's not even what I'm talking about. The day I called and told her about our separation, she reacted exactly as I thought she'd react, but also differently.

First, she mourned with me. She loves Darren. It flabbergasted her (her words) to hear about our marriage. She immediately invited me and the kids to come live in Oklahoma where, again in her words, "We can't help you financially but we can love you and give you emotional support." I will not be moving to Oklahoma. As I told her, my life is here. My kids' lives are here. I'll stay in Fort Worth. She and Dad spent the next two hours telling me how wonderful I am, how proud they are of me, and how sorry they are that this has happened.

My parents have never been big on giving us kids the verbal blessing. They raised us well and cared for us, but I can honestly say that one of my life's biggest heart wounds is the lack of feeling cherished by my parents. That Saturday on the phone was one of the very few times they've told me they're proud of me. They not only told me that they're proud, but they told me WHY - in stories and details and observations. It was amazing. I didn't want the call to end.

But it did end, and that's when the Mom I expected to hear from emerged. "Well," she began, "I want you to know that I'm taking Darren's name out of my computer and I'm never putting it back. If y'all end up together, I still won't put it back in my computer." That'll show him. My Mom is nothing if not fiercely loyal of her own.

She called today to check on me. She wanted to tell me that she told two of my aunts (the two I've always been closest to), and they were both shocked and saddened too. "How can this be??" one asked. "Darren has always adored her!" Then she wanted to tell me that both aunts think I should divorce him immediately and get on with my life. And Mom agrees.

Several people have given me this advice. One friend worries that I'm burying my head in the sand if I think he'll change. Another worries that I'll give him too many chances and spend my life in misery. Others have reassured me that the Bible has given me a loophole for divorce and what's holding me back?

I'll tell you, though I don't expect you to understand. Sometimes I don't understand it myself.
I love Darren.
He's my husband. He is mine and I am his - or that's the way it ought to be. It's the way I believe it CAN be again. I haven't given up on him yet. I love the 19-year old Darren and the 31 year old Darren and the 42 year old freak of a Darren. I hate him, too. He can rip the joy from my soul with one callous word. I can do the same to him. We're broken and flawed, but he have been for a long time. Why give up NOW?

Just today, he was rude and ugly and short with me for no reason. I breathed in long and deep before responding, and then simply said, "Ok, thank you." I imagine that took the wind out of his sails. He's used to me reacting and making myself heard, if you know what I mean. The crazy lady doesn't live here anymore.

I told my Mom that I wouldn't be filing for divorce, not today, not this week, not this month. She said, "Well, it's your life and you have to do what you think is best. None of the rest of us can make the decision for you, but we all think you should."

I replied, "And I think I shouldn't. I'm not saying I won't ever change my mind. But for now, God is telling me to hang in there."

Last night at Marriage Reconciliation class, a woman talked about her impending divorce (going on for over 2 years. I cannot imagine.) and how God has told her that her husband WILL come back. She doesn't know when - could be years, she acknowledges - but she is convinced that he WILL come back eventually, because God gave her that word.

God has not given me that word. I have no peace about Darren ever wanting to come back. In fact, today, it was pretty clear that he doesn't even like me. But I do have peace about just waiting it out. And as I said before, God is working me over, and I'm allowing him to. When he's finished, if I'm a woman Darren can love, great. If I'm not, I'm still the woman God created me to be. Win Win.

I don't expect anyone to understand.
It's okay that you don't.
But it's right for me, for now.
That's the only thing I'm sure of.