Me

Nothing new here worth mentioning, really. A few new revelations, an epiphany on Darren's part that just reiterates how he feels and is now certain he has always felt. For me, it's renewed pain, but not NEW pain, if that makes sense. The short version is, Darren claims he erected an emotional wall after a high school heartbreak, and he never let me penetrate that wall because he never loved me. But the woman he fell in love with 3.5 years ago WAS able to penetrate it, and he's never been the same since. When I found out about the affair, I reacted poorly and because of that, he's certain that he'll never trust me enough to let me through that wall, ever. Okay then.

I've continued with individual counseling, and our focus has been on my learning to manage the emotions that will continue to crop up when I least expect them. There will be so many things that will trip that lever - 1st birthdays apart, 1st holidays, 1st family vacations taken separately. Then there will be the things I can't plan for - a song on the radio, a habit that I start to indulge before I remember....

For instance, yesterday I was driving up the freeway towards downtown when Darren's building came into view. For years, "Darren's building" has been a "thing". I always point it out to people who are in town for the first time. But more than that, when I happen to notice it, from where ever I happen to be (you can see it from miles away in some spots), I call him up and say, "I see your beeeeeelding!" Yesterday, I saw the building and instinctively reached for the phone before I remembered that... no. I really can't call and play that silly game anymore. I felt a pang of sadness, but it was passing. It was nice to just feel it and then let it go. Bye-bye. Good-bye, now. Buh-bye!


Days come and days go. I move through them with resolve and I hope, a bit of grace. I find joy in the little things, and write a daily list of things I'm thankful for. When Darren picks a fight, I refuse to engage. When he's intentionally hurtful, I say "thank you" and end the conversation. When he's ignorant about his behavior (and I believe sometimes he is), I glide around it and get us back to the point. I'm learning to communicate with him effectively. Sad that it took 21 years of marriage and a separation for me to realize that communicating with him doesn't mean I have to walk on eggshells. It doesn't mean learning to play his games. It means understanding that he's the world's worst communicator and learning how to compensate for that.

My homework from my counselor is to take care of ME - to do things for ME. I'm starting to do that. Taking the trip last week to see Ginger and Cara (and Joanie and Maria) was one of those things. The boys think it was for them to see their friends, but no - it was for ME to see MINE. :) Tonight, I'm starting weekly "art therapy" with one of my favorite friends at her art studio. Mostly, we're just gonna hang out and make messes together, but I know it will be therapeutic. And besides, when she invited me to do this with her (is that awesome? I love her!), she TOLD me to tell Darren it was Art Therapy and that I absolutely am not to miss any appointments. HA!

And of course, this blog is for me. I thought I had nothing to say, but this entry's already gotten long, and I have two or three more brewing already. I just needed to start writing again. Thanks for prodding me. ;)