thanks

Today's Jesus Calling entry is about not letting worry take over. At the end of the entry, there are always a couple of Bible verses to reflect on, and today, one of those verses really spoke to me (and to Abbie, too!). It reads:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. - I Thessalonians 5:16-18


It's funny how we always pray for "God's will to be done", when right here in black and white He tells us that His will is for us to be joyful all the time, pray all the time, and give thanks all the time, no matter what. That's pretty simple.

So today, I shall be thankful in my circumstances. Even this most tumultuous, heartbreaking event has brought immeasurable blessings to my life!

1. Unfettered Joy from Aidan and Ian. Even with their Daddy living elsewhere, and even when he lived here but in a separate bedroom, these two amazing, precious boys fill our home with joy and laughter. They know exactly what's going on - we talk about aspects of it almost every night before prayers - but it doesn't get them down. A good example: the other night when it was Ian's turn to pray, his words took me by surprise: "Thank You for our awesome life. Everything about it is awesome." Seriously? Does he really think that? I wondered, so I asked him, and yes - he really does believe that. He said that he actually gets to spend more time with Darren now than ever before because Darren has started playing a game with them online and they chat here and there throughout the day on the game - before school, in the evenings, etc. Never mind that his Dad moved out of the house. Ian isn't concentrating on that - he's focused on the good that's come out of it, even a tiny little thing such as an online game. There's a lesson in that. He also mentioned that when they get to go to Dad's, he pays attention to them more than he did at home. They see this as a good thing. And I suppose it *IS* a good thing.

2. The Emergence of Aidan's Character as a Young Man. When my kids were all younger, I was in the habit of writing them letters from time to time, detailing the things I observed about their personalities and character. I've fallen out of that habit, but I need to write one to Aidan in the very near future. He has completely stepped in to a new role here at home - one that he recognized and filled on his own. That role? Comforter, Strengthener. I saw it on the night the boys first asked me if Darren and I were getting divorced, when Ian wept and I struggled with how to answer his questions. I've seen it a dozen times since, mostly when we talk about tender things at bedtime. If he hears even a hint of wavering in my voice, he flies to my side and takes my hand. He will be an adoring, loving husband to some wonderfully lucky young woman some day.

3. The Friendship of my Firstborn. In one of my earliest letters to Dani, when she was still a tiny baby, I wrote that I planned to be her best friend AND her mother. As I matured, I realized that friendship would come later - first, I had to be just Mom. Now that she's an adult, I'm getting to be both, but recently, I'm mostly getting to reap the blessings of her friendship. She has had ample opportunity to talk smack about Darren, to vent all her anger about him, but she chooses not to - at least with me. I think that shows amazing restraint and maturity. She pops in often to hang out with the boys, or to have dinner with us, or to run errands with me (and for me). She allows me to be sad when I need to be sad, to be angry when I need to be angry, and she doesn't hesitate to join me when I'm feeling jubilant or silly. Mostly, she's present. And her presence has been like my favorite fleece blanket blanket on a frosty, cold morning - familiar, comforting, and warm.

4. The Friendship of my Brother-In-Law. I was friends with Chris before I was friends with Darren. He once took me to see Bob Dylan in concert - hands down the worst concert either of us had ever been to! ha! I've always respected him and enjoyed his easy company, but over the years, our friendship had become one that only occasionally saw the light of day at family functions. How blessed I am to have him right now, though. When I told Darren's mom what was happening back in December, she called Chris and asked him to call Darren. He did, but he also called me. And continues to call me. He hasn't taken sides (well, maybe he has, but that's not the point.) What he HAS done is work very hard to help me understand Darren - his ways of thinking as an introvert, his style of communication and why our styles clash, and mostly, the reasons Darren is behaving the way he is. Chris isn't making excuses for Darren - far from it - but helping me see a bigger picture than I can see on my own through eyes of pain and betrayal has been extremely helpful. Chris is hopeful. He is faithful. He doesn't sugar coat. He doesn't blow sunshine up my skirt. He tells it like it is, and that has been a blessing in and of itself.

5. Abbie and Jake. When I called Jake in early January, it was because I hoped he'd talk to Darren and knock some sense into him. We've known Jake for a long time, and he's one of the only people I thought Darren might listen to. I knew Jake's friendship would be a tool in my arsenal, but what I didn't expect was the blessing of Abbie. That first night on the phone, Jake issued a challenge to Darren and me -first,  that we pray together for 40 days, and that he and Abbie would do the same. And second, he and Darren would hold each other accountable by regularly checking in with each other, and Abbie and I would do the same. I laughed to myself. Seriously? Abbie?? I barely know her. She intimidates me with her willowy, natural beauty and grace. I've never been close to her. I'm not even sure she likes me. I don't think we'll relate to each other. Those fears and misconceptions were immediately dashed when we shared our first phone call. We text each other almost daily, early in the morning after we've read our Jesus Calling for the day. I've wept with her, spent 5 hours at Jason's Deli one Saturday talking our hearts out (and barely noticed that we were in a public place), and confided in her - and vice versa.We have more in common than I ever thought possible. I have so enjoyed getting to know her on a more intimate level - her heart, her dreams, her regrets, her shortcomings, her strengths.  I have come to treasure her as a gift from God. And Jake - amazing. He is relentless when it comes to making me see truth. His hope is unquenchable. He may very well be the most optimistic person I've ever known.

6. Terri and The Office of Refuge. Terri and I are opposites in so many ways. She's an introvert, and I'm extroverted. She is analytical and I'm creative. She likes order and a solid plan and I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants. She keeps her emotions in check and I wear them on my sleeve. She is Excel and I'm Photoshop. But there is no person on this earth I'd rather share an office with than Terri. In the early days when I was still on the verge of tears all the time, I felt safe to let them fall. Sometimes I'd sit quietly at my desk with a Kleenex in my hand catching the falling rain and I didn't worry that she might think I was a basket case. When I need to vent, she lets me vent and sometimes joins me. When I need to express hope, she lets me express hope without making me feel childish or naive. When I needed to take a couple of days off to stay in bed and weep, she said, "You do what you need to do. I'll cover you here." Terri is a woman of few words, but her few words in this storm have sustained me on more days than I can count. It is a blessing to spend my days across a desk from her. She is more than a coworker, more than a friend. She has become my sister.

7. The Return of Cara. There was a time when Cara and I were inseparable. She, Kristi and I were The Three Amigos. Then life circumstances sent us down different paths and we grew apart. Eventually Cara moved 3.5 hours away. Cara was the one I called when I learned of Darren's affair 3.5 years ago. She's the one who drove to my house at 4 in the morning and held me as I laid in the grass in my front yard weeping until the sun came up and joggers began passing on the sidewalk. She may be hours away now, but she calls almost daily, and has held me as I wept on the phone. Her presence is so close and real that we might as well be sprawled out on the wet grass on that humid July morning again. She shares wisdom, faith, disgust, disdain, hope, doubt, fear, promise, and everything in between with me. I would be lost without her, and I thank God that He brought her back to my life.

8. The Bigger Picture. I am determined to learn and grow from this experience. I have no idea how the story will end, but one thing I'm confident about: I will be a bigger, better, more complete woman when it's over. That's because God is working on me. He's showing me places where I've fallen, things I've broken, ways I've faltered, and lies I've believed. This process of stretching and growth is not easy. Some days, it's excruciating. Some days, I want to quit and just wallow. But God keeps showing me the bigger picture. I Am No Man. I Am A Child Of God With The Ability To Achieve My Dreams. I Am A Daughter of The King. I Am Beautiful and Cherished. I Am Capable and Strong and A Mighty Warrior. I Am Chosen. I Am A Masterpiece In Progress.

A song I sang as a child just came to my memory:

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be,
'Cause He's still working on me.

That right there is what I'm most grateful for.
He is gentle and patient and kind, but strong and unrelenting and steadfast.
Just like a Father should be.