conflicted

I went to hear Paige Henderson (HeartQuest founder) speak about Rebekah (of Bible fame) last week. I love the way Paige teaches. She delves in to the stories and then goes deeper, bringing the characters to life before your very eyes. She has an amazing ability to make characters in the Bible live and breathe and spill coffee on their pants just like you and I do. They're so much more than just characters when Paige presents them.

So Rebekah offered water to Isaac's servant at the well, and then offered to water his camels as well. His TEN camels. Camels drink a lot of water, so Paige dove in and figured out just how much. Ten gallons. Each. That's 100 gallons of water. She dove in and researched and learned that a generic water pot would've held about 4 gallons. So... that's 25 trips to the well for those 10 camels. The point is that Rebekah was generous - with her time, with her kindness, with her water. And then Paige asked, "What do you need to go back to the well for more of? Because it'll never run out. You need kindness? You think you're all out of it? Yeah. But God's not. Go back to the well and get more. You need patience? God's got plenty and He'll share it. Go get more. What do you need to keep giving? What do you need to be generous with? This isn't about money. It's about your heart, your soul, your spirit. Ask God right now what He wants you to keep coming back to the well for more of. He'll tell you. When he does, raise your hand so I'll know you got an answer.

So I asked. "God, hey what's up. I'm headed to the well. What do you want me to fill up on? What do you want me to give more of?"

I heard my answer immediately.
But I didn't like it, so I didn't raise my hand.

"No, no, seriously," I thought. "Heh heh. What do you want me to give more of, really?"

He told me again. Same answer.

"Ah, well, can we talk about this, God? Because I'm sure you'd like to see me show more forgiveness. Have more patience. I know I need to be more generous with my time."

Again, he spoke the words I didn't want to hear right into my heart.

"Keep. Loving. Darren."

I wrinkled my nose, bit the inside of my cheek, and folded my arms across my chest.
I didn't like this one bit. I never did raise my hand.

See, just last week, I told myself it was okay to let him go.
I prayed for and fought for my marriage. I was valiant and strong through my fear and brokenness. I showed compassion, forgiveness, and unwavering love - more during the past few months than ever in my life. I was willing to work on and fix the issues I brought to the marriage. But Darren wasn't. He is convinced he's never loved me and can't continue to live a lie, so he's gone. Its done. Nothing I can do about it. I needed to let him go. Truthfully, he's making it pretty easy for me to let him go. It felt amazingly good to give myself permission to stop loving him.

But let me clarify. I'll always love him. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and my partner in life for 21 years. I can't just chuck that out the door and pretend it never happened. But continuing to LOVE him just hurts. Immensely. It felt good to say, "It's okay. I don't have to love him. I can let him go."

And then God said, clear as day, "Keep loving Darren."
Hmph.

Then Sunday's sermon was about hearing God. I don't have a problem hearing and listening. God speaks to me through DOGS, for crying out loud. Through music, and Scripture, and laughter, and the touch of a cool breeze on my sun-kissed forehead. I talk to God all the time, and He to me. But never, never, not once, has He told me something I didn't like.

Until now.

I'm very conflicted, and I can't stop thinking about it.
Coincidentally, Darren filed for divorce last week, and I put my lawyer on retainer today. With Darren's credit card. He offered to pay for the whole thing, which should end up costing between $7- and $10,000. THIS kind of spending from a man who I've always described as frugal, but who is really just cheap. He won't spend money on much. But to get rid of me? He didn't hesitate. He's even paying my half. Which is only fair since I never wanted this in the first place. I'm counting it as a blessing.

But I don't want to keep loving him.
I can be kind.
Compassionate, even.
I can love him as a brother, as a friend, as the father of my children. That I can do.
But I'm telling you that God didn't tell me to do that. I know what he meant. KEEP LOVING DARREN.

God help me.
I don't want to.