early November, 2011
Me: We're broken and we have been for a good long while. I'm weary of being broken.
Him: We should go to counseling. When we talk these days it's like we're speaking different languages. We need someone to help us communicate and figure things out.
Me: Maybe. Not our last counselor, though.
Him: You can pick. But I don't think things can improve without it.
Me: I think you need a new job [that you don't hate], antidepressants, and a gaming intervention. I need to get a handle on my weight and a husband who's willing to talk. It's not that we can't communicate, it's that we don't even try.
Him: I think it's a lot deeper than that. I think we need a counselor to get at the root of the issues because I don't think we can get there by ourselves...Because we have our own ideas we're attached to.
Me: What are your ideas? I have no clue.
Him: I think it's best if we discuss it with someone else there. Too often, we have a communications disconnect - you don't hear what I mean to say.
Me: It seems typing it out would suffice for now.
Him: I don't think so.
Me: Then I guess we're through here. That's a shame.
Him: I think trying to deal with this on our own will only cause bigger problems. It's not a shame to do it right.
Me: It's a shame that you aren't willing to talk to your wife.
Him: Nothing you listed could solved in a shorter time anyway.
Me: So you have ideas about why our marriage is failing, but I don't get to hear what they are?
Him: Of course you do. But I've been saying things for years and you don't hear what I'm saying. We need someone else to help.
Me: I sure would like to hear them today.
Him: I'll write you an email.
Dear Stacy,
First of all, I've taken self-tests on depression. I'm not even close to depressed. I am unhappy with some specific and some general things, some related to you, some not. But those are surface issues, not real problems. Your weight, my gaming, the house, the lack of sex - those are all related to deeper issues we need to discover and resolve.
We have been down the "he said, she said" road so many times, especially in the last few years. I think the reason we've been unable to resolve things is a lack of trust. You don't trust me, and when I say something you filter it through that. And I can't say that I trust you either. Without that trust we cannot communicate effectively. To discuss why we don't trust each other without someone else guiding the conversation cannot be good. We each are going to blame the other and get more hardened. We need outside help.
I'd like to also take the opportunity right now to say "I'm sorry" for not asking for this sooner. I've been frustrated and confused for several months and didn't really know why. I still don't *really* know - all I'm sure of is that we are in two very different places right now and we need someone to help us find our way back together. Again, I'm sorry. I should not have neglected our relationship like this.
I would like to move forward with counseling as soon as possible. Please take me up on this. We need it.
Love,
Darren
No comments:
Post a Comment