I Won't Give Up

Tonight was our final marriage counseling session, at least for now. From here, we'll move on to individual counseling - for me to get a handle on the things I need to be doing to improve the mother and woman I am, and the kind of wife I've been. Darren will be (hopefully) working on figuring out why he was never able to love me, why he was able to go through the motions for 20 years without feeling anything.

I have to stop arguing that he DID love me. One of the hardest things I'm having to do is to accept the fact  that right now, and maybe forever, this is his truth.

One thing really struck me tonight, though. He says that he's working on learning to love me, and that he hopes that he can "fake it 'til he makes it", and that hopefully, willfully doing things that are loving will tenderize his heart and lead to FEELINGS of love. I cry foul, because it seems that for 21 years, he has been faking it and has been outwardly and willfully acting in love. If it hasn't "taken" by now, it will never take.

For many months, I've been praying for God to give me my old Darren back. For weeks, I've been praying for Him to restore my marriage. WHAT IN THE WORLD?? I don't WANT that old Darren back. I hardly knew him! And I certainly don't want my broken sham of a marriage back.

No. This is my fervent prayer: that God gives me the marriage that He designed for me - more beautiful and complete and loving than I ever knew could exist. 

Last week, our dear friend Jake challenged us to pray with one another for 40 days, hand-in-hand, specifically for our marriage and family. We both agreed to commit to the 40 days. This is huge because Darren has never been willing to pray with me. For all these many years, I've desired a prayer life together, but he has steadfastly refused. He has always said that his prayer life is too intimate, too personal, to share with even me. I've argued that as a married couple, aren't we ONE before God? Shouldn't we be able to share that intimacy? 

I think it's amazing how creative God can be when blessing me. In this horrible time, he is blessing me with one of my heart's most aching needs and wants: prayer with my husband. I've decided to relish it and soak in it and thank God for it.

Last night, a Facebook friend posted the following video, and then three other friends shared it. I watched it, and thought, "Word to the mommas, I should've written that first."