Progress

We told the boys tonight, after Ian asked why Dad's always in Nikki's room. Darren told them that we were having some problems with our marriage because "I haven't treated mom very well. I haven't been a good husband." We told them we were working on it, and that we are working very hard not to make our problems their problems. Both boys hugged me immediately, and Aidan said, "I kinda knew." There were no tears. They had no questions. I prayed with them and they went up to bed. I hope they don't worry.

This morning, Darren asked me what I've been up to. I told him I was trying to lie low and give him space. "I appreciate that," he said, "but if you lie too low, who am I supposed to fall in love with?" A week ago, he had no desire to love me. Progress. I'll take it.

I still tell him I love him every night. I can't remember the last time he said those words, but my heart longs to hear them again. I'm still sleeping fitfully, despite a torrid love affair I'm having with Jim Brickman every night on Pandora.

I haven't cried in a few days, thank God. My eyes and lips were starting to look like a puffer fish. Who needs collagen? ;-) I haven't felt angry. I mostly just feel spent. I wonder if this is a stage of grief? I wonder if I'll cycle back around to the other stages. I hate not knowing what to expect.

I went to the doc this week for my annual physical. I was about to run out of my Celexa and decided I should probably start taking it seriously again. Also found out that I'm still an abnormally healthy fat person. Blood sugar is well within normal range (86), blood pressure is still good (124/84), cholesterol a little higher than normal, but not alarmingly so. And the scale says I've lost 13 pounds since the last time I weighed on December 20. Progress.