fix you

I didn't work today.
I woke up this morning and felt desolate. I didn't want to talk. Abbie tried. Karen tried. Terri tried. People reached out to me all morning, not knowing that I'd been to war last night. I couldn't talk to anyone.

Then Dani texted me at 1:00. She has this thing she does when she's trying to cheer me up, or sometimes just to be silly, 'cause she's Dani: she sends me texts from the cat, complete with pictures.

The Cat: Where are you, Moo Maw?
Me: That's precious. I'm home.
Dani: Por que?
Me: I don't know. Just don't want to be around people today.
Dani: :(
Me: I had a huge breakdown last night - the first time I've allowed myself to lose control and let it flow. It was gut-wrenching (literally) and terrifying and cleansing and exhausting.I didn't hold anything back. It was loud and ugly. I am completely spent. I feel like a part of me died last night.
Dani: Wow. Want me to come over?
Me: Maybe.
Dani: Okay.

When she arrived, I was still in bed. She sat on the edge of the mattress and put her hand on my shoulder. "What happened?", she asked. I read her the text conversation I'd had with Darren.

"I was going to wait until later to do this, but I think I'll share it now," she said.  "I listened to this song the other day, and heard it differently than ever before."

She pulled it up on her phone and it began to play. I immediately knew it was "Fix You" - a song I described in a blog last summer as "a beautiful, beautiful love song..like velvet around my shoulders, or warm sand on my toes, or a shaft of sunlight caressing my face on a cold, winter day." I'd always imagined me being the "fixer", or someone who loved me deeply (Darren, of course) fixing me, which is what makes it so beautiful. As we listened to it this afternoon, I realized that now, I am the broken. The words... so perfect.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something that you can't replace

When you love someone and it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you.

"I never looked at it this way before," said Dani, "but imagine that this is God talking to you."

I thought I was all cried out, but my cheek was wet with hot tears again.

And finally, after she left, I got out of bed to face the day.