quest

Two years ago, Cara went on a spiritual week-long retreat called Heart Quest. It changed her, literally, from the inside out. It forced her to examine herself in ways she'd never allowed herself to even glance at, and she emerged a new, better, more whole woman. It has been amazing to see the transformation. Ever since, she's been trying to convince me to go. I believed that it would be a great experience, and I don't discount its worth. But I didn't want to go.

She was in town the week before Christmas, and we had dinner together. Again, the topic came up. This time, I considered it, but still didn't commit. The first week of January, I signed up. I was still reluctant, and even regretted it the moment I made the commitment. But soon (within 24 hours, really), I was desperate for the journey. I was starving for it. My thirst for what God could reveal in me and change in me was unquenchable. I couldn't wait for February 21 to arrive. I kept thinking, "If I can just hang on until HeartQuest...."

And then last week, word came that the February event was cancelled. I was crushed. I looked ahead into March, April, May... and realized I couldn't easily go those months, and besides, I couldn't wait that long. I called HeartQuest and left a message, through tears, "I need to go in January. I am desperate to attend in January. Please make an exception." The event requires 30 days of prep, so I doubted they'd let me in with only 12 days to go. The director called me and said, "I need to clarify with you that what I heard in your voice was what I think it was: desperation for God, and not just convenience of scheduling." They made the rare exception, and I am leaving Tuesday. I had 10 days to read 2 books and do an extensive study of I Peter. Also, I had 10 days to write three grants for work. It's been exhausting, both emotionally and spiritually. And of course, I'm still barely sleeping, so there's the whole physical exhaustion as well.

The weird thing is, as desperately as I wanted to go just two weeks ago, now I'm dreading it. Seriously, I am filled with dread about going. I'm behind on my prep. I don't own a semi-formal outfit, which is required for part of the event. My house is falling apart left and right (I kid you not. Every day for the past week, something has broken.). I worry about leaving the boys for 6 days during this tumultuous time. I feel guilty for leaving Terri to run Fortress single-handedly in my absence. 

Cara warned me about this. She said that a million things would get in the way of me going. BIG things. Serious things. But that I must, MUST, MUST, go anyway.

So here I am, filled with trepidation about Tuesday, and yet I can't wait for Tuesday to get here.