what ifs

For the past two days, I have made a big effort to lie low. I have a tendency to want answers NOW, to see progress NOW. Darren isn't and never has been a "now" person, and while that has always irritated me, right now it just hurts. So I've purposefully left him alone. I'm sure he wonders what's up with me, but he hasn't come looking or asking, so maybe not.

In all these quiet moments, my mind wanders.

What if?

What if after all this questing after God's heart that he says he's doing, he still doesn't love me?
What if after all this time and investment, I'm still left with a marriage that's empty?
What if there is another woman and I'm a fool not to see it?
What if he learns to be content in his apathy and forces me to make decisions I never wanted to make?
What if we end up divorcing and he really does fight for the boys?
What if what if what if.

Confession: I rarely listen to Christian radio. I go through spurts when I enjoy it, but it's usually short-lived. Part of the problem is that our local station plays the same 11 songs over and over and over. I especially can't stand that station during the holidays, largely because of Christmas Wish and Frank Reed's whiney, snively, fake-emotion-charged voice. I'm sure that says more about me than it does him.

I was driving the other day on my way to meet Abbie for lunch, and I switched over to the local Christian station. I drove along not paying attention to the music, but when I pulled up to her place, the lyrics of the song playing reached out to me. I wished I'd been listening to the whole thing. I looked it up on iTunes and bought it on the spot, and have listened to it a dozen times since then. I love how God speaks to me through music. He always has.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disguise?

what if what if what if....