I'm entering a new phase, I think. While I still have moments of profound sadness, I'm having more and more moments of "this is okay". I'm able to picture myself as a single mom, as a divorcee, as a woman who makes her own way and does it well. And the weird thing? I find it a little exhilarating to imagine, and having spent the last two days in bed, I've had lots of time to ponder the future.
Darren has been trying harder since my break down the other night. He brought me flowers (the gift he was supposed to purchase) yesterday, and said, "I got tulips and irises because I know they're your favorites." Irises?? I've never liked irises. I've never once mentioned irises. Does he not know me at all? I simply said "thank you, they're pretty", and immediately felt guilty for not being grateful and gracious. It's hard to feel the warm fuzzies about a mere assignment. At least he's trying.
I have a new fear. Two days ago, I told my counselor that my fear was that I'd give Darren too much time, then finally decide to leave, then realize that I'd given up too soon after all. Today, my fear is that if he ever decides he loves me again, I won't want him back. I'm a very forgiving person, but I will never trust him again. I don't wish him harm, I don't feel vengeful, I don't want him to hurt. But if I never trust him again, is that really forgiveness?
I discovered a pattern while lying awake last night. For our entire marriage, I've protected him. When he'd betray me or hurt me, I was the one who walked on eggshells to avoid making him feel too badly about it. I've protected his reputation by not telling people about it. I've convinced myself that love is supposed to hurt, and life can still be happy if you just decide to choose joy.
But why am I always the one who has to say I'm sorry, even when I didn't do anything wrong?
Why do I walk on eggshells to protect his feelings when he's the one who's broken my heart?
Yeah. If he decides he loves me after all, it might be too late. It scares me that I feel this way.
I hope you know you have friends who love you no matter the outcome of this. You are loved. <3
ReplyDeleteI don't like irises either. When Jer does/says stuff like this I always say, "Must be your other wife that likes irises" but I suppose that's not really humorous here. But you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteTulips are my favorite. Irises have always looked scraggly and like homeless people flowers to me. Is that wrong?