I'm not prepared, but I know that it is OKAY.
And I'm a little wigged out about having no phone or email access all week. But I know that that, too, will be OKAY.
My prayer tonight is that I be willing to see what God tries to show me this week, that I hear what I need to hear, that I do the things I need to do, and that I live fully, 100% in the moment, each second of each hour that I'm away. I want to be authentic and honest, no matter how ugly or shameful or pathetic it might seem at the time. I know that God is waiting to meet me; I can hardly wait!
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Darren and I had a very good talk last night. I told him that I'm not afraid to be alone, that I know I can make it on my own, and that I'm ready to move forward. I explained to him why it's so hard for me to live with him but not be husband and wife. (I do believe he could live like this forever!) He got misty-eyed and said that he cared for me very much. He said that he knows God can change his heart, but he also knows that he's only human, and that without a doubt, he will hurt me again in the future. He said that I'm too good a person to put through that again, but he's struggling with letting me go just yet, because it feels like a lack of faith that God can truly change him. He asked for more time to make a decision. We're still committed to the 40 days of prayer, but I told him I can't commit past that right now.
Then he said something that really was the perfect thing for me to hear: "I know that you don't need me. You've never been a girl who needs a man. I don't worry about you being able to make it as a single woman. In fact, I know that you'd FLOURISH without me. I hold you back. I don't mean that I intentionally do things that hold you back... just that my very presence in your life holds you back."
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Our anniversary is this week. I'll be far away in the Hill Country. It seems so strange that we'll be spending this anniversary apart - the first time in 22 years that we haven't spend these two days together, specifically just the two of us, alone, no distractions, no commitments... just us. I mentioned it to Cara today, and she said, "I don't think it's coincidence." And she's right. I think it would be so terribly hard to go through the motions of those two days and not celebrate them, so it's good that I'll be away. (Darren told me a month ago that we would NOT be celebrating, even though I'd purchased Bass Hall tickets and had already made reservations for dinner.) I gave the Bass tickets to his parents.
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A Facebook friend (a MAN who's been married 44 years to his sweetheart) posted this tonight. I showed it to Darren. He remarked, "That's a cute picture." I said, "I like what it says. It's what I dream of."
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Last night, after we both went to our separate bedrooms, I texted him this:
I want you to know that I love you now and always will, and I'll never stop praying for you to know and feel real love.
He texted back, "Thank you, Stacy. And my prayer for you is to be truly loved."
I replied, "To be truly loved by you = my dream come true."
He answered with this: :)
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Tonight, we prayed together, and I felt tears falling from my eyes when it was over.
I took his face in my hands, looked him in the eyes, as deeply into them as I could peer, and said, "I love you." Then I kissed him on the forehead. Tenderly, sweetly, lovingly. It sort of felt like goodbye.
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