flip flop

I called a lawyer Monday morning. Afterward, I sat down and wrote this:


Monday morning
February 13, 2012


Dear Darren, 


I have a confession. I succumbed to fear and anger last night, and I let it control my words and thoughts. I want to ask you to forgive me for that. That behavior and defeatist attitude is NOT of God, and is not the woman He created (and is creating) me to be. I was changed at HeartQuest, this is true. But I'm still evolving. I've asked God to forgive me for my unbelief and my backsliding.

When you said you were "really sorry for hurting me", I felt immediate, intense anger. I didn't believe you. The apology rang hollow for me. It carried no substance. Sorry for what exactly? For not loving me? For living a lie all these years? For telling me 18 thousand times over the last two months that "your heart's not in it"? For not grocery shopping like you said you'd do and for complaining about the way I do it? For telling me you didn't like my eggs on the morning I made you breakfast? For all the broken promises? For telling me you know you'll hurt me again? For telling me I've never been enough for you? What exactly are you sorry for? Those are the things I was thinking. I allowed the hurt and resentment to build and build until I convinced myself that I couldn't do this any longer.

I've also been very angry that you seem to be taking a martyr role in this. You've felt very sorry for yourself. It is so hard for you to stay. You feel stuck "trying to be someone I'm not and trying to love someone I can't." You are doing this out of obedience, but your heart's not in it. I get so tired of hearing how hard this is for you. Why? Because you DID love me, Darren. You did. You've forgotten, but you did. You are the only person I ever believed DID love me. You're the one who hammered that belief into me. How can you now say you never did? And how, after all that, are you the one who's suffering?

I'm not rehashing all of this to make you feel bad or to make you angry, but to try to express where I was last night. 

I want God to be everything I need. And He is. As recently as Friday, He called for me to join him. I was walking out of Target and looked up at the sky - bright blue without a single cloud in it -  and felt the warm sun on my skin, while the cool breeze lifted my hair. And I thought, "This day is identical to Fast Day at the ranch." In that moment, I was desperate to be with Him again, just Him and me, without distraction or worry or pretense. So I went to a park and laid in the grass and watched the sky and prayed. He met me there.

So yes, God is everything I need. But HE wants more for me. God designed marriage. He created me to be a help-meet for you. FOR YOU. Whether or not either of us want to be "stuck" anymore - you with a wife you don't love, and me with a husband who can't love me - this is God's design. We've damaged it, but He created us to need each other. There is not another person in all the world I'd let myself NEED. You are it. I want to need you. I want you to need me. I want our marriage. I want to honor the covenant we made.

So I'm recommitting to another 40 days of prayer. I have to tell you, I don't want to. Right now, even after confessing my unbelief and repenting for it, I don't want to recommit. I want out. I want to start over and begin the healing process - for me AND the kids. I want to be relieved of seeing you day in and day out and feeling the unlove. But that's not what God wants. He wants me to fight the fight. He wants me to want to need you. He wants me to be whole, and our marriage is part of what makes me whole. I am a whole half of that marriage, and it doesn't define who I am or who I'm not. I am still a whole half even if I'm single. Being single will not diminish the wholeness of my half. But I'm half of a WHOLE when we're married, and that's what He wants. He wants that whole marriage relationship to stay in tact. Does that make sense?

I'm recommitting to another 40 days. If you file for divorce within that 40 days, I'll continue to pray for our marriage. It takes a minimum of 61 days in Texas for a divorce to become final. I'm praying for a miracle for both of us.

I love you, Darren. I loved you then, I love you today, and I'll love you always.

~Stacy

Darren's reply:

Thank you for your email.

Later, he said he didn't know how to respond.