truth

As soon as Darren left for work, I texted two friends to tell them the news, and emailed my HeartQuest group. My text was pretty straightforward:

Darren told me this morning that God is telling him it's time to get a divorce. He is so blinded and arrogant to think that this is God's voice. We're going to talk logistics tonight and he'll start researching how to start the process next week.

I spent a couple of hours on the phone with Cara, who called immediately when she got the text. Cara knows me better than I know myself. She knows my flaws, my gifts, my faults, my strengths, my weaknesses, my heart, and everything in between. Seriously, she and Kristi KNOW me. They might as well be inside this earth suit with me, they know me so well. Cara is the one who sent me to HeartQuest, so she also knows firsthand how life changing that experience was. It was good to talk with her.

She just kept using the word "truth", mostly in context of how Darren couldn't see or hear it right now.
Later, Abbie texted back, saying, "Oh my goodness, I am speechless. I will be praying today for God to open blind eyes to see His light, truth and wisdom for a marriage that He desires for you both and your family!"

At 1:00, I prayed for direction. I really didn't know what to do. I prayed for truth, and for me to see it clearly my own self.

'Cause, the fact is, I didn't argue the divorce statement when Darren said it. I was sorta resigned to just go along with it. And the TRUTH is, I was relieved that he wanted to move forward. The scary thing, and I told him this yesterday morning, is that I don't like him, and I haven't for a really long time. His arrogance and pride and untrustworthiness have made him unappealing to me. I love him, but a lot of the time, (for a long time now), I can't stand to be around him. I haven't been shy about letting him see that, either. I'm sick to death of walking on egg shells with him. So, when he said "God says it time for divorce", I felt relief. But God would never say that. God hates divorce. He *DOES* say that. (I do believe that God might tell me I'm free to leave, though, because of Darren's adultery.)

I texted him at 1:20 and said, "I just prayed for you."
"Thank you. That is sweet."
"I'm not praying out of sweetness. I'm praying out of obedience and out of a deep desire for truth."

Later in the afternoon, a HeartQuest friend emailed some strong encouragement that was good for me to hear. A divorcee herself, she knows of what she speaks, and I listened. At 5:30, my phone rang and I was ecstatic to see that it was Melody, my dear, God-answered-prayer friend from HeartQuest who happens to be an attorney.

"Do. Not. Engage.", she said. "This is not what you want. This is not what God wants. If he serves you with papers, then by law you're required to participate. But until he does, this is not your game. This is not your deal. Do not engage. Don't be talking about assets or custody or anything. DO call a Texas attorney and get some initial counsel so you'll know the lay of the land for when he DOES have you served with papers. But do not engage in talk about divorce with him. When he gets home, tell him you will not engage in this talk." I wish y'all could hear that paragraph in Melody's warm, slow Alabama drawl. It's like honey spiked with bourbon. ha! We talked for 29 minutes, and it wasn't enough.

Then another email from another HQ friend who lives here in Fort Worth. "My husband and I would be happy to talk with you and help you avoid the pitfalls of this process." How could I have forgotten that her husband's law firm specializes in family law?? I haven't called them yet, but I've programmed her number in my phone. ;)

Then Jake called and reiterated what everyone had already said. TRUTH. I was bombarded with truth all day long.

Darren got home a little after 6. The boys were already at a sleepover, so it was a good time to talk. "I don't want this," I said. "I'm not going to talk logistics because I know God doesn't want it either." The color drained from his face and I could see that he was angry.

"You wanted it this morning," he said.
"No, I never said that."
"You said you don't love me anymore, you don't want me to love you anymore, and you don't want our marriage."
I stared at him, dumbfounded. "I don't remember saying that," I said.
"You confuse me," he continued. "I've never seen anyone come off a high as fast as you did this week."
"You misunderstand me," I replied. "I wasn't on a high to start with. This was not a mountaintop experience for me, this was life-changing. This will never go away. What you thought was me coming down was actually me turning from you and clinging to my Father for strength. I've learned to wait for him to tell me when to go. I've been waiting all week long for him to tell me when to speak. That wasn't me coming off a high. That was me pressing in."

We didn't talk about divorce. He kept falling asleep while we talked about other things. I asked him why he'd not made it a priority to get individual counseling. (Our marriage counselor fired us until he seeks individual counseling, because she can't help us until he does. I continue to see her weekly.) He said, "I guess I don't care enough. I guess I'm just selfish." I asked if he thinks he needs it, and he said, "I like to pray and read and think by myself. I don't need anyone to talk to. I don't like talking to people." I have two theories about that. One, he is so stinkin' smart that he knows no one else can help him, because no one can talk to him on his level. This has been a problem of his for as long as I've known him. And two, talking to someone who might know what the heck they're doing (a trained professional) is dangerous, because they just might make him see some things he doesn't want to see but knows are there.

I also have another theory. I think he's doing everything in his power to push me so far over the edge that I'll break and say, "GET OUT!! I'M FILING FOR DIVORCE. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE." Truly, I think he's freaking out that it hasn't happened. He wants me to do the dirty work so that he can have a clear conscience about it for the rest of his life. "Stacy's the one who left me," he could say. Yesterday, he told me about yet another emotional affair he had this past summer. *I* was freaked out by my non-reaction. I didn't even ask questions or desire more information. Last time, I was desperate to know every minute detail. This time? Meh. It hurt me, but it didn't own me. Amazing love. God is so cool, because that calm reaction wasn't me. It was God IN me.

I told him I don't like him.
He said, "Yeah. I don't like you either. I really never did."
I replied, "Whatever. I won't even entertain that lie. Our entire relationship was built on a foundation of "like". We were best friends before we were ever lovers. You liked me."
"I haven't liked you in years," he said.
"Not true," I answered. "You told me just a couple of weeks ago that you care for me a lot, and you admire me, and you LIKE me, but you don't love me as a husband loves a wife."
"I tried for years to love you, but it was never enough for you," he snarled.
"Again, not true. You can't have it both ways. You've told me a million times that you've never done anything in our marriage that wasn't out of selfish ambition, that you've intentionally NOT been the husband I needed because your heart wasn't in it. Now you say you tried for years but it wasn't enough? You can't play both sides of the coin."

He continued to squint his eyes as if he hadn't slept in days. It was only 7:30, but he couldn't keep them open. I wanted to slap his fool head off.

I asked, "Do you think God can save our marriage?"
He answered, "God can do anything He wants to."
"Do you want him to make you capable of loving again?"
"I don't want him to make me love you." That last word dripped with hatred.
"Do you want him to help us rebuild a marriage that we both can be happy  and fulfilled in?"
"I don't want God to do ANYthing," he said dryly.

I might have audibly gasped. Then I said, "I'm gonna pray that away right now. Those words aren't from God.  You're misguided and blind and so far from the truth."

"Go ahead," he mocked.

At that moment, the hairs on my arm stood on end, and I was terrified.
I've dealt with spiritual forces before, both in my own home, and at Fortress. But I've never been alone with them. Even as I type this, the tears have begun to pour down my face, because the feeling I had and the change in Darren's countenance terrified me and remembering it shakes my soul. There was something SO CLOSE, SO DARK, right there in my family room, and Darren was down for the count. It was up to me to go after it.

You know how my family is nuts about Lord of the Rings. We've seen the movies a thousand times, have read the books over and over, and are generally fanatics. A scene from Return of the King, which I had recently seen again, flashed through my brain in that split second:


And also in that second, God YANKED on my reins. "This is what you've been called to do. Your husband is not leading. He's down and wounded. He is about to be devoured. Yank off your helmet and show yourself to be a Woman of Valor and Excellence. Step in front of him, FIGHT FOR HIM. GO NOW."

I prayed. "I have been given authority by the most High God and His Holy Son, My Savior, to demand that you leave this place. You canNOT have my husband! You can not have his honor! You cannot take his courage! You can't have his eyes or his ears or his mouth. You can't have his hands or his feet or his heart or HIS SPIRIT. HE IS NOT YOURS. HE IS A SON OF THE HOLY GOD, THE ONLY GOD. HE IS NOT YOURS!!!!" Then I prayed to God, for him to restore the man I love - to give him all the things that he was being stripped of.

Then I wept. I couldn't talk clearly because the sobs kept choking my words, but what I said was this: God keeps making me see you as that 19-year boy that I liked so much, sitting at Kevin's computer. It was before I loved you. We were so close, and I just liked being with you, so I'd stand behind you as you played games for hours on end, with my hands on your shoulders. I loved you like a brother, and I would've DIED for you back then. And I would die for you now. I love you in that way - not in a romantic way, but in that pure, brother-in-Christ way. I will fight to the death for you."

He rose from the couch and came to me, and took me in a tight embrace. I tried to pull away after several seconds, but he held tight. Finally, he let go, and I asked, "What prompted that?"

"Compassion, I guess," he answered.
"I'll take compassion," I said with a little laugh.
"I've always hated to see you cry."

Then he said he was so tired and needed sleep, and he headed upstairs. As he went, he said, "Maybe I'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow."

The truth has set me free.
I will pray for truth every day for the rest of my life, for me and for everyone I know and love. It's that important.