joy

I wish I could say that I've always prayed with my children. I can't. Sure, sporadically, we've prayed. When they have nightmares, they always come to my bedside and we pray. Sometimes, Ian asks me to pray with him before he sleeps, to ward them off. They know that prayer is powerful and personal and important and comforting. As a family, we've very rarely prayed. I've always held that as Darren's responsibility, and have lost respect for him for failing to lead in that way. I've been so quick to judge. It was my responsibility, too.

In December, I began praying with the boys nightly. I mean, every night, not just when I thought about it and then cared enough to follow through. Nightly, I thanked God for them - for their joy, their laughter, their silliness, their goodness, their strength and health, and for the amazing gifts they are. And I asked Him to protect them, completely shield them from sorrow, stress, worry, angst... all the things that our marriage issues could contribute to. He's been so faithful to honor that prayer. Darren and I don't fight or scream or belittle one another in front of the kids, so there's not that to worry about. But still, I know they sense that things aren't right, and besides that, it's pretty obvious that Darren's living in the guest room now.

I knew we'd all miss our prayer time while I was at the ranch, so just before I left, I wrote them both letters and left them on the coffee table to find when they got home that afternoon. They loved them. Aidan put his in his backpack so he could take it out and read it every day at school. I never imagined he would cling to my words like that. Knowing that he carried that letter with him while I was gone swells my heart to indescribable proportions! They have been my rocks, my joy, my hope, my strength. I learned yesterday that Darren prayed with them while I was gone. That, too, swells my heart with joy.

Last night, I took them on a date. They both wanted seafood and nothing but seafood, so we headed to nearby Pappadeaux. We waited outside on the patio for 45 minutes for our table, all curled up together on a bench under a heating element. We were still freezing, and wound ourselves all up around each other to keep warm. Aidan had his arm looped with mine, and Ian was holding my other hand in his, rubbing it. I felt completely 100% cherished and adored by those boys! I was a little sad when our beeper finally lit up telling us our table was available.

This morning, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm (AMAZING - more about that to come). I'd already set it for earlier than usual so that I could honor a commitment I made to Abbie last night to spend time in the Word and in prayer first thing each morning, and to hold each other accountable to that. I fell back asleep an hour later and slept for another 45 minutes. The boys, amazingly, were still asleep, too.

"Boys, it's 9:30," I said. "It's too late to go to Southside, but we can still make it to Legacy. You'll get to see your camp friends!" They didn't want to get up. I thought about forcing them, but instead, offered this: "Would you rather have worship here at home? Just us?" They both thought that sounded good, but asked for more sleep first. I invited Darren to join us (via text), but he never responded. I told him we'd be in my room and when he heard the boys coming down the hall, he was welcome to come in as well.

At 10:30, the boys were still asleep, so I rousted them out of bed. Darren still hadn't emerged from his room, so I decided we'd worship downstairs instead of my room. I didn't want to disturb him or make him angry.

The boys chose songs to sing - some out of the hymnal and some from memory. Ian chose this one, which we sang along with on YouTube.



He's sitting beside me on his own computer while I write this, and as the video plays, he's singing along. BEAUTIFUL. It melts my heart!

"...blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name... when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name!...You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your name!"

Afterward, I cooked bacon and eggs and the boys took a plate up to Darren's room.
Later, he texted me and said, "I drifted awake and back to sleep to some lovely singing. :)"
I replied, "We did it downstairs so as not to disturb you. Guess it didn't work, but I'm glad."

Joy, even in sorrow and conflict and trial and fear. Joy because God is real and He loves us so.