separation

This is what I know for sure:
God wants a miracle here, and He's waiting to perform it.
But He cannot perform a miracle on someone who DOES NOT WANT IT.
Darren doesn't want it. To want it, he must first address his issues, whatever they are, and he's been adamantly unwilling to do that. He is unwilling to do the work on himself that saving this marriage requires. I will continue to pray for his heart to be softened, for him to be completely broken and humbled, and for him to want restoration. And I will pray that if he ever gets to that point, that I will not be so far down the road that I don't want him back at all. I know that kids - even adult kids - dream of their parents reconciling. I want this for my babies, even my adult baby.

But it doesn't matter if I work on my own failings or try to better myself or pray boldly and fervently for him if he isn't willing to do the same. I'll continue to let God refine me. I have a long way to go and I know it. But I'm committed to becoming the woman God created me to be, with or without Darren.

When he woke up Wednesday morning, he came to my room and asked if I wanted to pray. I told him I'd been praying all night, and that I wasn't going to give him ten days. He stiffened and wouldn't say anything. I took the day off from work and devised a plan. With the help of my most trusted adviser, I created a Separation Agreement that outlined boundaries: physical, emotional, privacy, communicative, and kid-related. The gist was that I wanted to honor his decision to separate, and support him in that decision by setting up some boundaries to ensure he stuck to it. It took three edits to pull all the emotion out of it. It needed to be cut-and-dried, analytical, business-like, and more straight-forward than I've ever been before. It had to be presented that way for Darren to pay it any attention. I ended by saying that if he didn't respond by Friday, I'd have temporary orders drawn up by my lawyer. I sent it off to him and had no idea how he'd react.

He liked it. He agreed with every point but one, and that was that he'd move out immediately. He asked for one more night so that we could tell the boys. I allowed it.

There were a few tears, but it wasn't tragic. Over all, it was kind of sweet. We told them that this was another way of trying to save our marriage. We let them know that divorce was still a possibility, though. I can't let them be blind-sided. He's in a motel for now until he can find more permanent digs. He's looking for a 2-3 month lease.

I sent an email to the adults who interact with the boys most often - school adults, neighbors, and the parents of their closest friends. It was a very odd email to draft. Who tells this kind of news in an email?? I suppose that's where technology has brought us. I couldn't think of a better way to do it. There were a lot of people who needed to know, and I didn't want to tell the story a million times. Plus, I didn't want people who don't need more details to ask for more details.

The email:
Dear friends,

You are receiving this email because you play an important role in our lives: you are important to our children. Either as the parent of one of their closest friends, or as a teacher, a neighbor, or an adult friend of our family, you are part of our "village".  For that reason,  it is important that you are aware of the recent development in our family.

After marriage counseling and much prayer and consultation with friends and family, Darren and I have agreed to separate. At this point we are unsure of what the future holds. Aidan and Ian know that divorce is a very real possibility, and they know that this separation is our last-ditch attempt at restoring our marriage. They haven't been privy to any details, and we have never fought or aired our problems in front of them. We are committed to creating a secure and happy environment for the boys, and are dedicated to parenting peacefully together. Even so, they're being impacted by the heartache of it all - there's no way around that. Please let us know if you notice anything when you're with our boys about which we should be concerned.

Neighbors - the boys have been riding their bikes to and from school and will continue to do so. On Mondays and Wednesdays, they will home alone until 6:30. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will be home by 4:00. They are not allowed to play outside when they're home alone, nor are the allowed to answer the door, even to friends. In an emergency, they will call me if there's time, or run to the Days' or the Halbachs' or the Givens' for help if there's not. (Also, in case you're not aware, Dani and Nikki have both moved out on their own. It will just be the boys and me at the house.)

Darren is staying in a motel for the next few nights while he looks for a more permanent place. He'll be looking for an affordable, short-term (2-3 month) lease somewhere nearby. If you know of or hear of a garage apartment or similar that might fit the bill, we'd appreciate the info.

I know this is an odd way to hear this news. I simply couldn't come up with a better way to do it. Thank you for supporting and loving our family, and especially Aidan and Ian.

grace and peace,

Stacy Kocur

I called our dear friends Michelle and Walt (the boys' adopted "Grammy and PapPap"), who I'd never even told about the affair three years ago or any of the other infidelities. (I've protected him so much over the years.) Michelle wept for us. She was stunned, as everyone has been. She is worried sick about me, though she doesn't need to be.

I called my sister, who also knew nothing. She, too, was shocked and hurt. She's still trying to wrap her head around it all. She always suspected that Darren might've come into the bathroom that night so long ago, because she noticed that the door was cracked when she got out of the shower. She never voiced it, though, because she just wasn't sure. She hated the confirmation. She feels dirty because of it, and I hate Darren for that from the very bottom of my heart.

I have to tell my parents. They know nothing. They adore Darren because he treats me so well and loves me so much. They think he hung the moon. I know my parents and they will never forgive him. If we end up reconciling and this is a Marriage Miracle in the end, my Mom will forever harbor hate and distrust for him and it will permeate every conversation we ever have from this point forward. I know this because I've seen her do it to my sister and brother and other people in our family's past. It's the sole reason I've never told her about any of our problems. She is viciously protective of her own.

I took the boys, Dani, and Lacie (her roommate) to Chuy's for dinner last night while Darren moved some things out. Aidan had an enormous "Big as Your Face" bean burrito. Later, the boys and I had our nightly devotion last night and it was from I John 3: 18-19. 

"Dear children, we should love people not just with words and talk, but by our actions and true caring." We talked about what that means, and I said, "Boys, you have shown me true caring and real love by your actions. Starting about two months ago, I noticed it. Ian, you suddenly became very snuggly and cuddly with me, and always wanted to be near me. You comforted me by playing with my hair, even." (Aidan has always been this way, and continues to be, but Ian's not normally a demonstrative kid like that.) 

"And both of you have been so agreeable and willing to do whatever I ask. When I tell you to unload the dishwasher, you've just said, "OK!", and you jump right on it. You haven't argued or fought about anything. I have a feeling it's because you sensed something was wrong and you were showing me love with your actions."

Ian confirmed the suspicion. "Mom, one night I was reading when I was supposed to be asleep. I heard you and Dad arguing. I heard you crying. You came up and down the stairs a bunch of times."

Aidan said, "Yeah. I heard that, too."

"What did you hear? What were we saying?" I asked.

"I couldn't make out the words," Ian replied,  "but I knew you were sad. And I knew it was because of Dad."

After that conversation, Aidan blew out the longest, most hilarious fart our household had ever experienced. Ian and I dove for cover while we all three howled with laughter. It took a good long while to get ourselves to bed after that. Dang it. No matter how old I get, farts are always gonna be funny. It's one of the things Darren dislikes about me.

Ian begged to sleep with me, and for a half second, I almost said yes. Then I realized I had this moment and this moment ONLY to set the precedent. "Not on school nights," I answered. He begged more. I said, "You heard my answer. We all sleep in our own beds on school nights. Maybe on weekends sometimes you can sleep with me." He finally accepted it.

I slept like a baby all night long.