praying for a miracle

Our commitment to praying for 40 days together regarding our marriage is ending. Day 40 is Valentine's Day. How fitting is that?

I had not prayed out loud with Darren in a couple of weeks. I let him do the praying. He prays for the kids, for me (always in a pitiful kind of way... "God please take care of poor, sad Stacy" kind of attitude), and he prays for God to soften his heart.

On February 6, he told me he doesn't want this marriage and isn't fighting for it. I told him that I do not want divorce, but if served with papers, I will be required by law to respond, and in doing so, I will cooperate and not make it harder than it has to be. Later, I told him I felt stuck, just waiting on him to make a move and me having no control over anything whatsoever. He said, "I'm stuck too."

"How so?" I asked. "You're the one with all the power here."
"I'm stuck in a marriage I don't want with a woman I never loved," he answered.

A few days later, he quipped that he's tired of being someone he's not and trying to love someone he can't.

But there are high points to last week, too. He asked me to pray again. I said, "I don't think you'll like what I have to say." He replied, "If it's from your heart, how can I not like it?"

So I prayed for God to heal our marriage, to remake it from scratch. I prayed for Him to remove Darren's pride and open his eyes to the truth. I asked Him to humble Darren and give him a taste of freedom - just enough that he desires more and more of it and seeks it out. I begged God to show Darren the lies he's allowed himself to believe, and to bring them into the light where it will be so obvious that they're not real.

The next night, for the first (and only so far) time in the 40 days, Darren prayed for our actual marriage. His exact words, which I remember because I immediately texted them with joy to my prayer partner Abbie, were, "God, heal our rocky marriage."

One evening, he was extremely sad (his words) and went to bed before 8:00. He wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.

Night before last, as we prayed together, I asked God to perform a modern day miracle on our marriage.
Last night, I had no words. I was overcome with sadness for our boys, and simply said, "God, you know my heart. I don't need to speak it. Instead, I will praise you for loving and protecting us and being real to me every hour of every day." I have to admit, I've rarely prayed just for the purpose of praising and honoring Him. How tired he must get of me always WANTING something from Him! I loved just relishing His blessings and remembering them out loud. What a great way to end the day. Need to make it a habit.

And yet...

Last night, I texted him that the boys and I would be attending Legacy this morning. He asked if I wanted him to come. I said that I wanted to be very careful not to send the boys any mixed signals right now. "I guess I'm saying that you're the only one who knows your heart, and so you're the only one who can make that decision," I wrote. He replied, "Well, we haven't attended church as a family in a good long while, so i guess I'll go to Southside."

None of us went anywhere.
Fail.